It’s midnight, well almost, and I’m sitting here writing a piece again.
All around there are empty Ferrero Rocher foils, an almost full bag of trash, an empty cup of coke zero, a small bowl with pistachio leftovers, books, empty bottles, and the list goes on and on.
my life is a mess.
There are days when I feel energetic. I’m vibrant to clean the house, get some tasks crossed off an imaginary to-do list (because I didn’t bother making one for weeks), and overall happy person.
And then there are days such as this one.
I’m choking. I feel like I’m underwater and life throws me deeper and deeper. All I can focus on is how little I get done, the dark circles under my eyes, my physical appearance and my bank account.
My surroundings, my family, my circle of friends — none of them suggested to me that there is something wrong with me. Wait, let me rephrase that: nothing is wrong with my psychology — but everything happening to me is my fault.
While I do agree that I’m in control of my life sometimes all I want to do is sink into YouTube binges. I know that I need to get stuff done but I also know when I don’t have the energy for it. Procrastination is such punishment but I dabble in it, too, I can’t help it.
But, yeah, you know, everything is right with me. Sure.
Now, I don’t want to have any mental illness, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to appropriate or use something I don’t fully understand.
But people are different and perhaps I do things in a way that makes you judge me. Maybe I’m not perfect. Heck, I know I’m flawed.
Maybe it’s time we accepted these inherent differences about ourselves and our friends. We fuck up all the time. We procrastinate, we break and we take time to heal.
I haven’t been silent in my head since I can remember myself. I remember seeing a video once called you are not your mind. That message resonated so well with me but I’ve never done anything about it. I’m “commenting” so much in my head that I probably could have written a dozen books from those mental sentences.
If I want to get anything done, perhaps it’s time to do something about this inner noise and about my life. I don’t want to label myself in any way but I do realize now I’m not the picture of health. I never was and it’s less straightforward than I thought.
I’m pretty sure this condition gets in my way. I’m pretty sure it gets in your way, too.